Harder Than You Know..

by Rebecca
(California)

I used to be just a normal teenager and loving life,but in February 2009 i met a boy who I will leave unknown and i know I may sound like some silly girl sad over an ex boyfriend but it really isn't that easy for me...

When I met him, I was only 14 and he was so nice and we got to know each other and ended up dating when I was 15, he was also 15 too so it worked out perfectly. As time went on he became more than my boyfriend, he became my best friend. I could tell him anything and if anything was ever bothering me I knew he would always be there for me. He always did the cutest things for me and even got along with my family. They all loved him like he was family.

Around January of 2010 we ended up having sex..yes I know thats too early for any teenager but I believed we were going to be together forever...he told me"I will always love you no matter what… 'We had been together for so long that I trusted him with everything and he was my"everything". But later on that year I still remember the date exact which I don't want to even say..he broke up with me...it was so fast and out of nowhere. I couldn't believe he was even serious.

He told me that he would never leave me. After that it was like I was falling apart. I couldn't think,I didn't want to do or go anywhere,I lost a lot weight, but at the same time I was in denial that he had left me. I was so lost...once my mom started noticing changes in my behavior she took me to a counselor in July of 2010 with anxiety and depression. Then I was in complete denial because I didn't want my mom to know that I was still sad over him. I didn't want anyone to know because I was embarrassed and felt like she would think I was just being ridiculous.

So I just kept it to myself....Bad idea by November of 2010 I had lost over 20 pounds without trying to and in January of 2011 I was diagnosed with anorexia. I am not in denial anymore that I have a problem because of everything I went through over him. Just 1 year ago I was so happy with life...I had good grades and had someone in my life that I loved. Now that he's gone its hard to wake up everyday knowing he doesn't care about you anymore..thats the worst feeling. To have the one you love and care about not want you anymore..it's sickening.In my experience I feel very hopeless and sad all the time which I don't want to be sad.

I am only 16 years old..I shouldn't even be depressed and over a boy sounds even worse. Sadly even though its been almost a year since we broke up...I still love him and I can't go on. It's so hard for me to even share this. I could never do this in person because I would just cry the whole time. I want to be happy but I can't...it's something that seems impossible for me... I have tried getting over him with distracting myself with doing other things and it hasn't gotten better only worse... I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life.