Handful of anger held in my chest

by Chelsea
(U.K)

I'm not sure exactly how long I've been depressed for but it was definitely halfway through year seven so I think it's been almost three years now.

It was February and my mom was in hospital because she had an operation on her foot and like every 11-year-old at the time, I was worried sick about her. By March she was back home but I was still worried sick about her.
I noticed that I was snapping at my friends and telling them to get lost, getting irritated by little things they did or said to me as a joke. But one girl I took things WAY too far with. Unfortunately I took my anger out on the wrong girl, because she wasn't the one who started everything off.
My friend asked me if I liked another of my mates and I told her I liked him as a friend. After I told her that it was only a matter of minutes that she started telling everyone I knew that I was in love with him, three girls were on my back about constantly.
One morning I was in school waiting for the bell for first lesson to go off, talking to my friend and they came up to me asking if I really had a crush on him, I insisted that I didn't but she kept calling me a liar then eventually I just snapped at her and told her to say what she wants because I know who I like and don't like and told her to f*** off then walked off with my friend following behind me trying to calm me down and telling me to ignore her. I went home that day and decided that I have to do something about. The decision I made wasn't a good idea.
The next day I walked into school with something that I shouldn't have had in my bag. When these three girls came up to me I threatened to stab one of them with a knife. I went around telling my friends that I had a knife in my bag and even shown them that it was in my bag. By the time we reached second lesson I was called out and told to bring my bag with me. This is when I knew I was busted. Unfortunately at the time my teacher had called me out the head-teacher of the school was passing by and I was taken to her office to write what happened. After I did I was taken home.
When I got home I stood by my mom waiting for her to say something. In her exact words, she said to me "Just go to your room Chelsea, I don't want to look at you" I spent the rest of my days in my room except for when I was called down that day to speak to my parents about why did. I didn't say anything to them though. When I know I'm in trouble I don't say anything. It's like I lock myself up in my mind. My parents were trying to talk to me. Telling me what happened to 'Mommy's little gir' and 'Daddy's little angel'. Just hearing what they said made me cry. Thinking about this now is making me cry. It just hurts so much inside. My dad told me he's going to take me to the doctors to see if there's any psychological problems that I could have, but there was nothing wrong with my psychological wise.
After all of this hassle, by the time it was April or May I was going to a part-time sort of school called Kings Centre in Erdington. Stayed there for a half a day, every school day. I stayed there until October. The only thing I did when I got home from Kings Centre was go on Facebook and play YoVille. When I moved out of Kings Centre and into Hodge Hill Girls School I spent my time watching TV
Not long after I joined the girl I had a group of girls calling me Shaytan which I've been told means 'Saitan' in the muslim language. They still think I don't know what it means now.
About a year after I was kicked out of my other school, Kingsbury School and Sports College, my mom started speaking to other guys on Facebook and my dad was starting to get suspicious of what she was doing. By the end of April, not long after his birthday, he found out my mom was having an affair. It wasn't until we had an estate agent come and go that everything kicked off. My dad sat down with me and told me that he was the one seeing someone but he wasn't. My mom started shouting at him for it "Why the f*** have you told her that for?!" They were both shouting at each other then eventually my mom just walks out of the house. She was going to go to my nans house but couldn't because of the pain in her foot from an infection that she got through the operation on her foot. My dad got in his car and tried to go after her but not long after he drove off she came back in and sat down.
My dad came in a couple of minutes after and they started shouting at each other again. "All of this has happened because you decided to go after other men!" My dad threw his cup of tea at the light switch on one of the walls then picked up my moms laptop and threw at another wall. Both were completely destroyed. Me and my sister came running downstairs whilst my mom walked into the dining room with my dad following her still shouting at each other. My dad was moving closer to my mom as he was shouting so I quickly got next to her side and hung onto her so that he couldn't do anything to her. Some of the things that were said just made me want to scream the whole place down. "But we're supposed to be together forever!" I sobbed. "I know bab, but your mom wants to go running after other men on Facebook!"
"For God's sake Brian I'm not seeing anyone!" I eventually moved away from my mom and my dad then grabbed hold of her arms and started shaking her like she was some sort of rag doll. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" I'll remember those words even when I die. My mom screamed at him in fear of her hitting her. I was trying to pull him off of her right arm in an attempt to save her.
After that me and my mom walked out of the house crying our eyes at in fear and walked next door to my aunt's house. My mom explained what had happened to my aunt. My aunt called the police to have him removed from the house for a couple of days. When the police got here my sister came next door as well and I ran straight to her to hug her in relief of her safety. She decided to stay behind to make sure that he didn't do anything to our dog, Sapphire. When he was removed from the house I stayed with my aunt and stopped round to have a sleepover with my cousin that night. I remember all of this, happened on a teacher training day at school, on friday.
When my dad came back to the house on the sunday we made the decision on whether he would stay in the house or not. "I just want us to live together in happiness" Were my exact words. My sisters decided they didn't want him in the house any more and my mom went with what my sisters wanted.

I'm 14 now and soon to be in Year 10.Even though I've got on with my life and accepted what has happened and that I can't change it I still hate everything that's happened. Ever since the whole getting kicked out of school thing happened I feel like the whole world is against me. I blame myself for what happened between my parents. It's like it's a punishment for what I did in Kingsbury. Even though I still get to see my dad, but only once a month, I still feel angry with everything that's happened. It feels like people are blaming me for their problems. Blaming me for things I had nothing to do with or didn't do. I'm sick of all of this stuff that's been going on in my life. I've even tried to put a knife through my chest, I'm that sick of living! It feels like I have nothing left to live for.....