General Pondering...

by Olli-Soph
(My Room)

Hey Guys,

I've just read a few of your posts on here and I can defiantly relate with a couple of them.

What I can firstly say is, there are ways to beat "the big black hole".

I call it that, cos that's the most aptly name I can give it.
- cos sometimes when you're down (for whatever, one or more reasons) you can feel in pain - for me, a weird chest hurt in times past, lost and confused about where life's heading or just feeling neutral, neither happy or sad - even though people around you, such like parents, think you're feeling sad.

But like I said before, there Are ways to help you pull away from those feelings :)
For me, the main factors are:
(which, with some bits - I'll go into detail a bit later :] )

Inside my Bedroom (which bit-by-bit,i'm turning into a haven):

- My Wall

- My Memory Box ("Big Box 'o' Mems")

- And last but no means least my Diary.


The outside world:

- My Closest Friends

- Chill-out place

- Escape Place

- Trains.

No matter how big or small they are, they're all important factors which keep me if not all the time centered, but "in orbit" of my life and things going on around it.

And not to sound like a boring and lecturing old adult or a nosey psychologist that wants to discretely put evidence into a somewhat stupid and pointless paper (sorry psychologists, if you are reading this, I have a quite cynical P.O.V at times). Claiming that All teenagers are nothing but hormone driven + emo's - we're not btw, we're feel and think more intensely more than people who are 24/25+. Which has been Scientifically proven that our brains don't calm down and finish developing between the ages 20 and 21 - I take bio at coll ^_^.

I've literally, only just turned 19 and I still get stupid hyper when I like a guy (like All of last year and a bit atm) and love going on super girly days down town with my mum :)

My story is, that two years ago - when I started my new coll - my life was completely shaken up.
My mum became seriously ill with spinal problems on my 17th birthday which caused her to be in hospital for a good month and unable to do too much for the next 5. She's a whole lot better now, but still has her off days.
During this time, I felt completely helpless and hadn't a clue what to do as in "should I quit school and become a young carer," or "stay at school but feel like i'm ignoring my mum?".
Turned out to be that I did stay on at the college i'm still at now but because I felt isolated and so cut-off, I skipped off to my chill-out place out place 45% of the time - this in turn, Drastically effected my grades.

I don't remember too much from this time, but i remember the lowest point -

Please, those who are feeling low, DONT USE THIS AS AN IDEA! I'm getting to the point to what pulled me out I've the BBH (Big Black Hole).

- I remember being so low and isolated from confusion along with the feeling of being abandoned from a guy who's been and now again is my best friend from what seems the dawn of time ( Have since found out,he hadn't abandoned me, just took some "down" time to figure out his own life) and was the person i wanted to talk to most about everything at home, and went to a place which i thought could make things "Better".

Was there about 3-5 mins, staring at not particular when I thought (kinda stereotypical) "hey, that sunset would be amazing to paint" - I was taking art at the time. Realized where I was and that I was in a really bad place (emotionally) n basically cried down the phone to a teen/child support line and explained how I felt and where I was.
They talked to me for about two hours straight which calmed me down and told me that if I felt that bad again, I could call a that number again and get the same councilor.

Next few months I was focused on talking to my other best mate a lot about anything and everything as well as basically embracing every positive of the moment, even if it was walking the dog through the snow.

It's two years on now and things are very much a heck of a lot better - i'm still the closest of mates who i talk the anything and everything to (we're going through a tough bit atm 'cos of bereavement, but i'm calling them everyday, even though it may be random but it's lets them know i there for them as they were for me) and i'm yet again best mates through a lot of hard (well worth it) work with the guy i thought abandoned me, and went on holiday with another friend a while back :)

To explain what keeps me "Orbited".

My wall is what sums up my life in that particular moment.
For example, I have up on there, a picture of about 50 rubber ducks. Which reminds me of my best mate and mine's love AND co-collection of rubber ducks :). And another pic which was taken in B+W showing a really cool pic of a steam train. Which reminds me of my love of trains and how I loved Thomas the Tank as a kid :].
- Big Box Mems is more or less the same, but of objects instead of photos with hold intense memories and emotions. As does my diary, but in words.

My close friends, I have just explained.
My chill-out place is where I go to hangout with my mates or do other activities (usually sports) which are available there.
Escape place is a really nice and quiet town/city about 2 hours train ride from home, where I put my phone on silent, take about 30 pounds in cash for spending on trinkets 'n' treats and one of my favorite books to read a while I'm there.
If it doesn't help me forget what's at home, it helps me figure out how to deal with it when I get back.

Trains. Does it need explaining?
- It helps me temporarily escape, till I can deal with the current situation at home.

Anyway, that's it.

Finally! breathes the relived reader

I hope you guys don?t feel so alone now and that my list of positives will benefit somehow and hopefully help you against the BBH :).

just remember,-
- Putting smileys on stuff help you feel better about yourself and stuff around you.

- And like a philosopher once said ?I think, therefore I am.? Which means I Must exist because I AM thinking.

- And try to think something positive to do each day even if it's having some chip/chocolate or a cup of tea, 'cos that too is likely to make you feel better :).


Thanks for reading this very long post and if you're currently feeling a bit low, you feel much better soon :).

Olli-Soph. Xx