feeling alone, useless, and helpless

by ashely
(queens, ny, u.s)

Hi my name is Ashely and i'm 13 going to be 14 in September. I've been depressed for almost 3 years now. See my depression started when I began 6th grade. That when everybody started bullying me. Ever since then many other people have done the same thing. I only have one friend and her name is Johannie. She herself is also depressed though.

um well, although i've been depressed for a while, lately I've been feeling worse. lately i've lost all interest in everything i use to have fun doing. all i do is lay in bed listening to music thinking about how much better other people's life are.i have trouble going to sleep and waking up, i usually wake up around 1p.m and i have trouble getting out of bed. i tend to cut myself for i wont feel the emotional pan people cause me. i have lots of suicide thoughts. i tried to commit suicide once. i feel alone, worthless, useless, helpless, and i honestly think that people would not care if i were dead, they wouldn't even notice i'm gone. my brothers just make my life worse, they are constantly teasing me, and pushing me around. my parents always have time for my brothers but never for me. my parents are barely around. it's as if i raised myself. i get beat by my ex boyfriend. i get home with bruises sometimes and nobody notices the pain I'm in. i'm also emo. sometimes i would cry for no reason, i tend to eat a lot because when i feel alone food is like the only thing that's there for me. things that never use to bother me, now bother me. i can't concentrate on things. i constantly cry myself to sleep every night. i don't like being around people because they always tend to judge me. i just wish i were dead.. all the time.

All I need is at least one person who knows how it is to be alone, to feel worthless, useless, and helpless. I wanna know that I'm not alone, and that somebody is always going to be there for me. I need somebody who understands me. And who would not judge me.