Dying by Degrees: Turning 90 at 15

by Rachel
(United States)

There is nothing left in my mind that I can feel anything about. In fact, for the past four and a half months, I have felt nothing. I have lazed in bed, I have gained weight, I have all but abandoned my activities, and I have taken to scraping a pointed object across my skin (though not hard enough to break it). Listening to dark music helps lift me from my darkest despairs to a constant state of emptiness. I haven't done anything serious. I just push the thought away when it comes up...but the thought of being dead has been coming up more than before.

My mother and father would never believe me if I told them I am depressed. I am nearly fifteen years old, so they'd chalk it up to teenage blues. I have told one friend who was in the exact same position and feelings as me, but she thought it was a phase, even though HER "Phase" lasted for a year and a half.
People see me as the "girl who has it all". I'm academically gifted, a black belt,and gifted with musical abilities, and I am able to stand up for myself, withstand any pain. People see me as the type of girl that says, "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken," and so they can't see that I'm dying by Degrees.

Please save me, before I'm cut off from this world and everything around me even more than I already am. I am detached, I am cold, I am shaking, I am numb, and nobody will come save me because nobody cares about a small, insignificant girl who doesn't have a clue what she's talking about.