Don't know where to find help

by Liz
(Phoenix, AZ)

I feel so worthless. I have suffered from depression since my early teens. No longer can take it.

I have nothing to live for. I have no friends, no siblings, no family. Only person in my life is my mom. I push everyone away because I don't believe I am worth loving. I push people away so they won't be affected by my mistakes. I have no job. Anytime I feel really bad I seek out food as a comfort. So now I weigh over 300 lbs. I feel so lost and off my path I don't know how to get back. I am now 30. I have always though I would never even want to have kids because life is so tough I don't want to create a person to have to go through it.

Just about every person I am related to lives in Mexico and although I do feel a little bit of connection to a couple of them the culture difference is too great to be close to anyone. I don't know where to get help. I don't have insurance and I live off my mom. I've looked for help before but apart from a couple people contacting me a couple times I can not find any resources.

I always keep enough sleeping pills to commit suicide as a safety blanket. I just figured out I have atypical depression and finding out exact type of depression I have does not help. Started taking vitamins and a couple natural supplements to see if they help but too soon to know what effect if any they will have. I just no longer know what to do.