Do not cut too deep

by Alice
(Wonderland)

I started cutting out of sadness, sort of. Maybe I just wanted people to see how much pain the really were causing me. Then, I realized that I hadn't bled enough.

For the next few months, in order to calm myself down during a panic attack, I would just scratch myself. I wanted to cut, to bleed, but I didn't know where to find a razor. One night, I went to find a knife, and I cut a little bit on my leg, but I was satisfied because it at least was bleeding.

Then, one time, I just lost control and ripped apart a cheap shaving razor, removed the blades, and sliced the crap out of my leg. I don't cut out of sadness. I know that all it will do is temporarily relieve the pain of sadness or of panic attacks. I cut, actually, just to see the blood. It gives me some kind of rush. I love the feeling of the pain, I love the blood. The only thing that holds me back from doing it every night is the problem of the scars. I see nothing unhealthy about doing it for the reason that I do it, and even if I did.. I don't want to be fixed. I like being different. I get some kind of sick pleasure from seeing all the blood, so I cut.

So long as I sterilize the razors and don't cut too deep, I don't see how it is going to have a negative effect on my health. If you must, then enlighten me, but I honestly don't think it will make me stop. It doesn't relieve the pain in my life, or in my heart, but it gives me a rush. It's just something that I love.