Depression or Just Life?

by MJ
(Canada)

I don't even know if I am depressed, or if this is just the way life is and it's time to suck it up, princess.
All the quizzes say I am not, or that maybe it's mild, but they rely on how you are on the outside. My insides say there is something wrong with me.
I go to work, I function just fine. I have pride in the job I do and support my co-workers. I am pleasant to work with and clients like me. I can go out with friends. I can have a good time. So obviously I am fine.
But I hate myself. I am a disgusting, useless, worthless, vile creature not worth the air I breathe. I have friends but I am sad that such wonderful people have had their lives contaminated by me. I wish that I had the courage to end things but I am not that strong. I can't even do the favour of getting rid of myself.
That can't be right. Or is that normal? I have always felt like this, as early as I can remember. It is just my normal state of being. Surely everyone doesn't feel like this. It is terrible.
But happy, smiling people just aren't depressed, so I know that I am not depressed. Am I just a whiny drama queen? What is wrong with me???