Depressed at 17

(Florida)

I'm 17 years old. I read quite a few of these other teen depression stories, mainly the ones I saw that were within my same age group.

I go through these "moods" if not every day, every other day or so. It only takes something small to cause them. I am not an ugly girl so I'm told, though I often feel like I am when I look in the mirror. I think a lot about what I do wrong that causes people to "dislike me" and what it is that I can do to change it. I'm not diagnosed with depression. But I do feel that I have it. It seems to be the only thing that makes sense. I read a few articles about the symptoms of teenage depression, and that of a normal teenager. Mine seems to add up. I remember reading an article and sending it to my step dad. When he tried asking me about it I pretended I was asleep... that's a joke, I never sleep. The next morning he asked me about it and I told him that I am not depressed, I just found it interesting. I don't know why I did that. I guess I'm just afraid that he will laugh at me. Or worse tell my mother, and I know what she would do. She would force me to sit down, and tell me that I'm being over dramatic. She always does. We have gotten in so many arguments that lead to me in the end telling her alone that i think i am depressed and need help. that always seemed to be the only time that i could stand to tell her. her response has always been that i am saying it to gain her sympathy and that there is nothing wrong with me. she always says its all in my head, and that i shouldn't be upset about it. In my house there is to be no emotion it seems with her. if i am "happy" she brings me down by yelling about something. if i am sad, she finds that to be the perfect moment to do the exact same thing. if i am mad, she thinks its perfect to pick a fight with me. i am angry often. i have gotten really good at calming myself down though. I don't know why i feel that i am depressed. my mom always asked me what i had to be depressed about in those arguments. she would name all the "good" things that i had. mainly material items then she would mention how my life is much better then hers was. i don't see how. i don't think she realizes the differences. she says she had a dad who was yelling all the time and she had to take care of her siblings while her parents were out. they were divorced. but she had a child (my sister) at age 16 and me by 17. she was married and out of that house by 16. i get that 2 kids would be rough. but my real father left when i was young. he kept in touch for a while and visited me and all that. but now, i hadn't seen him in 5 years. he was at my sisters graduation about a month ago.. i felt sick to see him. my mother re married when i was about 3. so my step father is my dad now. he is also depressed. my mother is the cause of that. she used to be an alcoholic and cheat on him. then she turned into a cocaine addict and cheated on him. must be tough for him. he still lives in the same house as us. which causes my mom to be bitter. they seem to hate each other. but then they put an act on for each other as if they are friends. i hate that. i think how much easier it might be for my step dad to move out. for me i mean. this house is very cold and bitter. i tell my mom it is four roommates living under one roof, different rooms. her response to that was that she cant change it unless I'm willing. what she doesn't see is that i have been trying to change it since i was 10 years old. i know i sound like the typical teenager saying that i cannot wait to move out. but i say it mainly because i need a break from my mother. i do love her a lot. but she is just very bitter and i do not know why. she told me about 3 weeks ago that i am the cause of her drinking again. wouldn't shock me if it were true. i have gotten into a lot of trouble with drinking or drug use. nothing hard. the simple typical teenage use. but i guess my past disappoints her. i hate that. i have friends. some of which i can tell aren't real ones. they just like to party and have fun, all good. but i know that they would never be there in a hard time if i needed them. i have had the same thought since the eighth grade that i hoped one day i would get hit by a car or in an accident, not enough to kill me, but to be injured enough that i would end up in the hospital, just to see who would visit me. i never thought that was a depressive thought until i read the articles. i often cry myself to sleep at night, in the morning thinking how idiotic of me that it was that i would cry over nothing. half the time i don't even know why i am crying. anyway, thats my story, sorry for the length. i got a little carried away.