Cycling Desperation

by Anonymous

I am a 20 year old male. I have a supportive family, good home, grew up in a nice area and am a college student. I feel that I've squandered all the opportunities that others would have made something of. I don't work hard in school, I'm not a big help around my house, and I feel like a drain on my parents and sister. I have no friends (except for one childhood friend), no standing interests or pursuits and waste most of my time watching TV and masturbating. I had friends in middle school, but I started shutting myself off in early high school. I didn't really do clubs or go to parties or anything. This has been going on at least since I was an early teen. It's hard to express properly the hopelessness and sadness felt after my parents time and again try so hard to help me, and continue to see I have remained a nothing. They are too nice to say that point blank, but it must be under the surface. I've gone to school counselors (both high school and college)and psychiatrists and I've remained stagnant. I'm ruining my own life and those around me.

After high school, I started abusing over the counter cough medicine and (less frequently, but very detrimentally) alcohol. It was pathetic because it wasn't even social; I'd do it alone to feel better. After awhile, it didn't even help with that, yet I was addicted and continued to use it. In the past two years, all this has happened: I was deported from Canadian Customs due to being intoxicated (I went to drink because there you can drink at 19) I went to the ER twice (once for seizing from alcohol, once when my parents found me extremely high on cough medicine). I spent one night in jail for a drunken incident (separate from the Canadian thing), and began outpatient drug counseling at my parent's insistence shortly thereafter. I continued to use, and I was discharged from outpatient and sent to a 28 day inpatient rehab. When I got out, I finally was sentenced: I had to do 100 hours of community service. You'd think all this would be enough to clean up my act. Well, no, I used fairly frequently after this. Currently, I vow to myself never to use drugs or alcohol again: I'm too much of a mess while sober.

It's an inner torture to want to be happier and normal, but being too pathetic to do anything about it. I'll cycle back to being less despairing soon, but this isn't good either, because I'm only convincing myself everything's okay when it's not. I want to have a group of friends and hobbies I can stick with. My dad suggested a club at school, but I fear (using past failures to indicate) that I'll just let it slide. I tried making a friend in a class, and even got a phone number, but I never called after we went to one school related function together.

I've considered suicide but am too afraid, and I somehow manage to have a meager hope that I'll someday change. Life is passing me by and I want to change but I DON'T KNOW HOW. And, more horrifying to me, is if I did know how, I DON'T KNOW IF I'D HAVE THE DRIVE TO DO IT.

I do have a pet greyhound, and I love him very much and like to walk him and spend time with him. Interspersed in the horrible pain of emptiness and guilt for not doing something to change myself, I do have moments of joy when with my family and my one friend. It's just not nearly enough and the sadness and desperation dominate.