Cry for help

by Georgie
(England)

I'm not going to go into detail of why i'm depressed or whats causing it because that would probably take a lifetime to write. Maybe in the near future, i'll publish an autobiography and all them people that thought they knew me, thought they knew everything, didn't believe me... they will finally understand.

But the worst feeling is waking up in the morning knowing its just another day, everyday is a struggle and the people you thought would help you don't. I went to the doctors but did he help me? No. He thought I was stupid thinking Imo depressed at 17. Yeah I forgot you have to be of a certain age to be depressed, no one gives a damn about teenagers, we're too "young" to be depressed. Besides I don't need someone diagnosing me with someone I know i've had for two years. Oh my mum and sister don't give a toss, they make out they care for me but all they're doing is sending me into deeper depression (i'm currently grounded for something i didn't do and being locked inside your house with no means of communication or anyone is possibly the worst situation to be in when you have depression).

Life has given me so many choices, difficult ones mainly and i've always done what i've thought is best for me but no! my mum lives to control me and my sister is a spitting image of my mum. Im sorry i'm not as perfect as my sister, i'm sorry I have mental problems, i'm sorry for being a failure in life. I can never do anything right, sometimes i wonder why i bother but then i remember that things always eventually do get better for a short time but then soon after its back to being trapped inside your body full of shouting negative voices in your head. "you're not worth it" "everyone hates you" even my so called best friends don't understand, i love them to pieces but at the minute i'm going mad because i took the blame for something we all did even though it wasn't a major thing but i'm just unlucky in life. Things were just starting to go good for me as well; Im booking my driving test, I think i've found a really nice guy, i'm getting more confident, my friendship groups are expanding but no by the time i'm ungrounded this guy is hardly likely to remember I exist.

People say hang in there things will get better but in my opinion they wont. Im scarred for life physically (self harm) and emotionally (the painful memories I have to deal with) and I've attempted suicide and am contemplating it now and I know what people say "don't do it" "think of your family" WHY SHOULD I THINK OF MY FAMILY they don't understand! They never will! They don't understand half the stuff that goes on in my life! I hate them! I genuinely don't have anything to look forward to in life, all my friends have had successful relationships but no I get messed around by every single lad and when I think i've found someone, i'm grounded for life basically. I've never had a proper relationship unlike all my friends so i cant see myself being married or settling down in the future and having kids(in fact i'm so unlucky that i'm probably infertile or something thats just my luck!) i'm grounded while all my friends are going out with people I've introduced them too, i wouldn't be surprised if my guy starts seeing one of my mates while i'm grounded i wouldn't put it past either of them.

Life is just a struggle and I pray for death. I pray of not existing anymore, not waking up to tears every morning, not watching my life spiral out of control, i'm feeling an overdose, yeah my friends will cry and so will my family, but its whats best for me. I don't enjoy life, I cant see myself ever enjoying life, everything bad happens to me, every time things are looking up, something bad happens. I guess when you've tried to be so strong for too long, eventually you give up especially when you're gaining nothing.