Clipping Dead People's Pictures from Magazines...

by Michelley
(US)

... And keeping them in a folder. That should have been my first clue that I was "depressed" or "contemplating suicide" for myself. But at the time, I had NO IDEA why I was doing that. I was in a huge vortex of crappy feeling, crappy thinking and whatever someone did to me or thought of me equaled how I felt about myself and/or how I treated myself.

Life is no fairy tale and no game. We're all thrown into the fox holes and pushed to the front lines many times where it is scary and tortuous. It doesn't end after your teen years. It can hang on if you don't pick up better weapons to fight with; better tools to build yourself up with. We do the best we can when we're teens. But life never changes... only you change. Nothing else changes until you change. I've had to learn to make up my mind that no one is going to show up for me. The greatest force on the planet is love. We've had no mothering or fathering and have been abused. We have to learn to mother and father ourselves; set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others in our lives; go directly against what we "want to do" which is to hate ourselves. I have to completely go against the grain to get anywhere good but all the while accepting myself "as is". I don't want to... but if I don't then how will I ever find it.

The biggest illusion is that it is outside of me but this is not true. Relearning and pushing through mounds of fear is hard but it is all on the front lines of battle. I can't turn and run or act like I am not in a war for my own life. When each battle comes, we must win it with self love, good choices, healthy boundaries, service to others, education, keeping busy, good support system, etc. I truly believe this is the only way to stay in a good clearing in life for longer and longer periods of time with a feeling of accomplishment and safety and feeling good.