Need Help
by MG
(Eastern Europe)
Well, my story is a bit longish one, with mltiple things building on top of each other. I have recently moved to the other side of the world, from Australia to Eastern Europe, it is a big lifestyle change, my family lives here. Previous to the move I was the happiest and most cheerful person around, and I did not want to move, since I had a hinge that it will end up somehow this way.
I came to Europe in September with one of my mates, who left a while after and I was left alone, which made me feel really lost I guess. At the same time my girlfried dumped me, but that was the least of my problems really, she was a person I could fall back on and I lost the support. However, the same day she dumped me I've met her friend and we have spend quite alot of time together, she tried to help me out. At this stage I really wanted to go back, I barely had any mates and I have experienced depression for the first time in my life. The fact that it was a cold winter and there was literally no sun up at all did not help (vit. D etc. etc.), adding to that it did not help eighter that someone commited suicide by jumping from the floor above me and landed right under my window.
Throughout this period of my life I have barely went out to see anyone and the most dominate contact I held with anyone was with that girl, who tried to help me, but at the same time she has experienced depression herself. In the end she really meant a great deal to me and when I was given the choice to go back to Australia or stay, I chose to stay for her, hoping that someday I will find the courage to be with her.
Additionaly, I found out about the existance of my auntie, who in fact was one year yonger than me. We had also spent quite alot time together, with me travelling to visit her in a city on the other side of country on multiple occasions. She also knew about my depression and how I couldn't combine the three things - the girl I fell in with, the country I wanted to be in and finding new friends.
It was tough to meet new people. I was locked within a small circle, of 10 people from all different parts of the country as well as some who were international. Nobody was native to the city we lived in and due to the fact that nobody knew anyone else in the city, our friend groups did not enlarge. Furthermore, we were such a diverse group of friends, that we would never associate ourselves with some of the others if we weren't forced to (not really forced, but I guess you understand what I mean).
Being the cheerful one in the years previous to Europe, I also tried to keep some sort of connections between everyone, so nobody would be excluded. Organised parties, tried to just hang out or go somwhere. Usually once per week. However, even though I prepared bonfires and so on, usually everyone approached the idea enthusiastically, just to say they are not coming an hour or two before the event. Usually I was left with one other friend and we just gave up. Throughout the whole year only one time four people came, whereas the rest preffered to watch soap operas or sleep and do nothing. I would be fine with that, if it wasn't for the fact that they always wanted me to organise new things, not in a mean way, but rather in a selfish way.
Meanwhile I went to Australia for a month, to finish with the move, gather my things, visit a few places and say goodbye to my friends. In the end only my closest friends did say goodbye to me, since nobody else really could be bothered. But hey, at least I had a group of close friends that cared and it mattered.
When summer came three major things made everything worse. Already being depressed, trying my hardest to socialise and find new contacts (however, I didn't have anyone through I could find such contacts - on the other hand I was successful in finding a few friends on different sides of the country, with whom I wrote on the local equilivent of msn very often). On one side I was really sad. On the other side I tried hard to be happy. Each time when I attempted to make things better, something happened and crashed everything. Analogically - I was in a hole and each time i climbed a meter upwards, the ground slid from under me and I fell ten meters down. This fact is really important nowdays, but I will get to that later.
I was always really interested in psychology. I have worked with people with depression multiple times, ironically now I had it myself. I started working on my own profile and tried different tricks to get out of 'the hole' (in my native language being in 'the hole' is equilivent of having depression). I covered many pieces of paper with different ideas and attempted to concentrate on the good things that will happen, rather at the bad things that are happening now. Sadly, there were only two 'good things that will happen' and I could really look foward to. First was the long holidays were coming up. The second - my class planned on a trip to London to visit one of our friends.
Ok, coming back to those three major things.
My father has rejected me on my birthday and we have not spoken or seen each other ever since (a year and a half ago) (lost my dad)
Once I told my auntie, who became my best friend what I am really going through and the help I may require, she also rejected me and stopped talking with me (lost my auntie/best friend)
The friend I briefly mentioned before, the one I have had the best contact with and who was always there when there was a bonfire or anything, the one I grew closest together with moved out of the country to London (lost my other best friend)
Now if we analise the situation now, from my point of view I have lost more things which played a vital role in my life, well besides my father, I never had good relations with my family. In fact there was nothing really worth living for me, since every day was monotonous, the girl who I fell in with drifted away from me and there were no things to look foward to. Besides the trip to London, to the friend I mentioned already twice before.
However again, my peers left the organisation of the trip on my head, and when I organised everything and when it was time to buy the tickets everyone eighter had some other plans alerady in place, changed their mind or simply did not pick the phone up when I called using my mobile. Luckily that friend (she) decided to come and visit us herself. In the end nobody could be bothered to even dedicate an hour to say hello and I, along with one other person were the only people who spend time with her throughout her stay (I should mention that she came to an empty house, with nothing to do, solely for the purpose of seeing her old friends, who decided they don't care at all anymore and even though she did most of the effort, couldn't be bothered - that best describes my peers then).
When she left, I walked back from the airport to the city by foot, about 15 kilometers, because I just couldn't handle the thought of losing the last thing that mattered for me. I felt like I was drunk, and if there was a river along the way I would probably had drowned myself in it.
But there wasn't. The only thing I found along the way was a passport, someone must had lost it when they were driving. I took it, since the owner of the passport lived in a city I was gonna go through in two weeks time, when I was going to a wedding, one where my auntie and I were to sit together and I was to live in her house for two days.
I cought a train there. Actually, this is a good example of how I met new friends. It was a night train and I had to change trains in the city of the passport owner at about 4am. In my carrige there was another man, about my age and we started talking. He was going to the same city as I was and in the end, decided to skip the earlier train, come and deliver the passport with me and catch a later one. We did so, he even helped me out with carrying the presents. The house was on the other side of the city, but it wasn't a very large one. We managed to deliver it, and come back and go together to the city of destination. We exchanged our phone numbers and the local msn addresses.
I tried talking with my auntie, but she wasn't particullary happy I was there and after the wedding I lost hope of fixing anything with her. I gave up and it was the last time we ever saw each other since, over a year ago. When I came home, I really did not have any positives to look foward to, when looking foward long term-wise. I went for a walk and I couldn't find God (I am a religous man). It finished with a suicide attempt, by drowning myself in the cold and muddy waters, but failed, since someone actually saw me going into the local river and dragged me out. I didn't force my way in, since it could have prooved deadly for the man trying to save me and I had nothing against him. In fact I wasn't particullary happy that he did what he did, since it wasn't easy, going in the water. I though about returning, but lacked the courage to do so.
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Need Help (part 2)
by MG
(Eastern Europe)
After the holidays finished, I returned to studies, along with my peers. Surprisingly I had recieved a full scolarship to England, I didn't even apply for it. I also started talking with the girl who tried to help me and I had feelings for. The move limited our contact.
For a large chunk of the following time I was in the RAF, studied in Cambridge and Oxford and visited my friend in London. However the scolarship I recieved meant my whole life was dedicated to studying. I was still depressed, and there were 56 steps between me and the rifle storage facility, just in case I lost it one day and needed to blow my head off.
If I wanted to see my friend in London, I would have to consider not sleeping (much) for the next few days after the visit. It was a complete lifestyle change again and I didn't like it. The cities were not spontanious, there were no trees and everything was planned, including the timetable of my day, from the point when I woke up to the point when I went to sleep. Everything had to be in order and it drove me nuts. Adding to that I was separated from the girl that meant so much to me and I had to go back. The biggest blow was dealt by an offer of an extension of the scolarship until I finish my studies... You could imagine how hard it was to refuse such an amazing offer...
When I came back I found out how much things were said behind my back by my peers, how much they mocked me. The worst was that my closest friends (if you could call them friends... well I treated them as if they were), ones I trusted the most were the ones that apparently hated me the most. I found out how much they have been talking about how much they want me dead. At one point I even found out they were actually planning on the ways to kill me.
Now, I thought for a long time about it, why would they do that. Trust me, I don't make rash decisions and I had enough time to think it through. In my conclsion, objectivically speaking, I can say that I did nothing to them, I didn't insult them, or say anything bad about them. From my point of view they had no reason to treat me like they did and it sickened me. There were moments when I thought about them and I threw up. Not just one, but many...
It was winter and once, during a walk again, I really needed to find God, but again he wasn't there. I sat at the river, with snow falling on my hair and melting, then freezing and I looked how with every breath there was a little less life in me. I attempted to send an sms to her, the girl I afterall loved, but I failed, since my fingers were too numb to move. Out of all the possible ways to kill yourself, I highly recommend freezing, as the least brutal of them all.
Again, two runners passed me a few times and after some time they came up to me to ask if I was ok. I couldn't really move, my muscles were all tensed, so they broght me to the closest home, where they called an ambulance. I was frostbitten for next several days.
I compleatly cut myself off from them, spend time alone and there were days, sometimes even nearly weeks when I did not utter a single word out.It was bizzar how your speech abilities lower when you don't talk at all and if you do, you use short phrases. Throughout this period I started drinking heavily. And when I say heavily, I mean it. On average I downed a liter of vodka a day, I stopped studying and I compleatly cut myself off from the whole world. I went crazy, since the only image in my head was the trajectory of a bullet though my skull, skin tissue and brain, and the shape the blood would take on the wall, after the bullet exits the other side of my head. Quite literally, it was all I thought about, nothing else.
Well i lied a bit. There was one thing that also occupied my mind. My friend from London also knew about my state and promised she would come over to see me. When she did, she ended up not seeing me, but instead she got drunk with my other peers, the ones that hated me the most. While I needed the help and she was willing to give it to me (I thought), I was proved wrong, in such a brutal way that I couldn't even cry. I drank more vodka and all I can remember was kneeling in the middle of the frozen river in the middle of the night, with swans around me (in winter there is a large amount of swans at the river), while spitting blood which was on my hands, while not being able to cry, so instead I howled. Later I found numerous cuts on the inside of my mouth. Overall I have bitten especially my arms as hard as I can, as a substitute of screaming.
It was especially bizzar, the fact that I am especially sensitive when it comes to wrists and I would be one of the last people to cut those (I would throw up before cutting myself). However, recently I have experienced a feeling, which makes me want to cut myself in as many places as possible.
I lost all hope, even if there was any left. I barely spoke to the girl I stayed in Eastern Europe for, there was nothing that could make me happy. If you red Hamlet's most famous monolouge, then partially this is what i felt. I was afraid to kill myself, but I believed that death is a better option than continous misery and no positives in life. Througout those two years I also studied philosophy (not to a large extent, I rather used my own observations and enriched them with studies). This means I though a great deal on different topics. In conclusion of what is life's purpose, I can tell you that it is to have a goal, something that you aim to achieve. To go for a holiday, retire, finish school, whatever. Once you do have a goal you have purpose, but if you don't have a goal than you are as good as a vegetable which simply grows for the sake of growing.
I travelled and lived all around the world, been to every continent (besides the south pole) and in many countries on those continents. I witnessed poverty, war, famine, obesity, different cultures. I saw different natural wonders, and those which were man made. I met hundreds of people and saw them come and go. There is no place on earth I would like to visit any more. Maybe besides chernobyl, and to be exact prypiat, but it is nothing I would want to explore a great deal. What is more, I worked in a range of jobs, starting from raking leaves and delivering papers, up to scientific research and translations. I am not looking forward to working in a few years, I am not looking foward to stdying any more (I have studied many areas of sciences, especially physics, which was my major area of knowledge, along with math, history, psychology, philosophy and so on...). There is nothing I would want to do in particualr, nothing that would make me happy if I do it, and trust me, I thought alot about it. I already went through four major surgeries, which eliminate me from professional sport, or even amateur, since there are no free venues where I could start participating in such activities around my city. The only thing that kept me from taking my own life again was lack of courage.
I wrote a letter to my girl, saying how I felt and that I understand she might not approve of my feelings. Another summer went by and I luckily met a group of new people, spend time with them. Funnily enough they told me that even though I was a very happy person (aftrall, I do have a very happy personality and I do try to be happy if I can, and when I met them I was the happiest I have been for a long long time), my eyes look as if though I was really sad. For a month of so, they basically nearly lived with me. But, when holidays were over, each one of them did not have the time to meet up for a short talk. For the past few months I only saw one of those friends for an hour worth of talking... Each time we arrange a meeting, they eighter forget to come, even if I call them an hour before we were to meet, something unexpected comes up, or they don't have the time. I gave up on them.
However, I am getting right now towards the most important moment - what it is like now. In the end the girl I loved and I managed to get together. I was quite literally the happiest person on earth when we have been together. I trusted her with everything and cared for her the most, more than for anyone in my family or myself. She always treated me like her best friend and told me she loves me too. We spend as much time together as we could.
The critical point was when I once had a bad day. I didn't feel well, I had a bad day and I remembered myself of one moment in my life, when I witnessed a rape scene, but I was helpless to do anything... I still blame myself for losing my head then. It is not a good memory... When she was over, I was simply sad, I guess you can't have a massive depression, feel like a plant, be empty on one day and on the other everything is great forever. Sadness is part of life and without sadness there would not be any happiness. I told her everything that bugged me and cried on her shoulder. Later on she told me that I made her really tired with that bad day, that I made her feel bad, just by being sad. We started seeing less of each other, she had less time than she had before and in the end we saw each other once a week for an hor or so, which made me feel sadder and sadder, which in turn made her feel more and more tired. In the end she told me she can't be with me because I simply wasn't happy.
That really broke me. Literally, there is nothing which isn't broken inside me. I feel as if I am the only person on earth, alone. I talked with a psychologist about my problems, but he didn't help, I talked, as previously written, with other people, but that only made it worse. I tried broadening my knowledge in order to fix my own problems, but I don't have the power to fix them... I guess I can only ask for help, but if you are not able to deliver it, I only ask not to get me down even further.
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