And I lift my hands and pray

by Anonymous

I've always tried to make myself understand that there are people out there that have it worse than me. But saying these words to myself didn't stop me from crying myself to sleep almost every night. And here I am today at 20 still crying myself to sleep and as crazy as it might sound I still have hope for a happy future. This hope is why I am still here today.

As a child, I never felt at ease around my father; I was always scared of him and still am. He always wanted me to excel in everything, and I know this is the case for most parents; they want their child to be the best and most successful. For my father, my becoming a doctor, pharmacist, or engineer, and getting great grades was like a religion to him. I don't remember a single joyful conversation with him, and it is the same deal today. He constantly orally abused me, telling me how I am stupid for getting a bad grade, or comparing me to other kids and telling me how they are better than me. He stripped away my self-confidence and self-esteem. My mom always told me its tough love and he just wants the best for me, and I understand that he wants me to become a well educated person, but being orally abused every single day and being told you are stupid and worthless, made me feel alone and ugly. With his impatient temper, it is best to keep quiet and do things as he says.

In elementary school I had a few close friends, and it wasn't around the 4th grade that two people started bullying me. Those two kids were quite popular, and had influence on other kids. As a result I was the one that got made fun of a lot, and I didn't know why. I didn't know what I did to deserve this, because I always made sure to be nice to everyone. These are the two main things that shaped me into the person I am today. Those two bullies followed me all the way to middle school, and some of my close friends no longer stood by my side because they wanted to be with the "popular crew" I felt alone. Although I did have some friends, I was never really allowed to spend time with them due to my strict father. Finally we ended up moving, because of my moms job, and I entered a new middle school, where I was the only new girl. There I made friends, but it felt like a pity friendship, like they felt sorry for me.

In this school my dad made me join the band, something that I did not want to do because I was not good at it. I regretted going into band class everyday because people would stare at my hands. This one boy who sat a seat down from me said one day "she doesn't even know how to play. She's a coward. Yew look at her old wrinkly hands." I was diagnosed with ichthyosis vulgaris disease at age seven. A genetic skin disorder that has no cure. This was another factor that brought down my self-esteem and made me feel ugly.

Today, I am in college yes, but in a college that is not of my fathers liking. So to him I am a disappointment. His pride is so important to him that he makes me lie to people and tell them I go to a college that I don't go to. I feel disgusting when I lie. At one point in my life, I used to have a few friends, but today I have none. I have nobody to talk to, or laugh with, I feel so alone and depressed. I'm scared to be myself around people because of my extremely low self-esteem. For years I've been mentally abused, and have the idea that I am worthless implanted into my head. I cry myself to sleep thinking if I will ever have normal skin, and if a guy will every like me. But with skin like this, I feel that no guy should have to be with someone like that; every guy wants someone beautiful and I don't blame them. I'm always uncomfortable in my clothes, and feel people are looking at me like I'm weird. And this is true people do look at me a lot. I don't think its because of my skin, because I am usually always covered up. I feel I am not at ease when I walk, I am always rigid, afraid to let loose and I usually never make eye contact with anyone. Where I live, I know a lot of people talk about me, they are not real with me, and I don't blame them, because I was never able to open up to them. I was always afraid and I still am; I've always been an outsider, and today I am still one.

I've thought about suicide at times, but then I made my self understand that, that would be selfish. Believing in God and heaven, has allowed me to have something to look forward to. In life we have hardships, and we have to try our best to get past them, and I'm going to keep trying my best to make a good future for myself. Even though I'm emotionally broken, I am not going to give up all hope.