A dog is definately better than a blade

by Harley
(Texas)

im 16 and have been dealing with depression since I was 13. The first sign of it to me was when I began quitting the things I loved the most such as, softball, basketball, and volleyball. I know it might not seem like much but it was to me.

i guess the depression started with jr. high and all my friends were changing and i was losing old friends and everything just changed so fast i wasn't ready for it. then my freshman year it just got worse because i always felt like i didn't belong anywhere. no matter how much i tried to show people who i was it seemed as though no one would accept me. yes, i have a ton of friends that are awesome and i love but i just don't seem to have a place. everyone else is just so happy it seems even though i know some aren't but at least they still get the chance to be happy. i feel as though i only get the bad cards and im just pretty much screwed in this stupid game.

my 8th grade year i began cutting myself. it seemed to just make all the pain and worries go away. it showed me that i was still alive no matter how badly i wanted to die. my freshman year i tried to commit suicide a few times. not because i was being bullied or abused or anything like that, i was just so tired of not having someone there who would understand what i was dealing with so i felt it would be better for everyone else if i was just gone. at first i tried to strangle myself which failed. then a few weeks later i was hospitalized with pneumonia and was sent home after 2 days. they gave me pain pills for my ribs i had broken and a few days later i tried to overdose on them. i was only supposed to take 4 pills a day spread out, and i took 9 pills in a matter of seconds. all that happened was i fell asleep for 2 days straight which no one really noticed since my parents were gone for a week.

after that i just gave up on suicide. thats when the anorexia became a problem. by the middle of my sophomore year i had lost 80 pounds. but i didnt think it was bad because i wasnt harming anyone but myself, and i really never had an appetite for anything. throughout all of this i kept cutting my wrists, legs, forearms, shoulders, etc. and my only problem was i just wanted to fit in and be loved for who i am.

i had a few boyfriends during this but there was one that i just kept going back to. even though now i realize he just played me the whole time, i at least felt loved and accepted. just recently i finally kicked myself in the ass and let go of him. even though he had been through everything with me, none of it mattered to him, it was all just a fun little game to him while i was falling in love.

i stopped cutting about a month ago, and now instead of running to a blade i just go to my dog that i've had forever. i convinced my mom to let our lab become an inside dog. so when im feeling down and lonely, or when i feel like i dont belong, i just play with my dog and yes it truly helps me feel a lot better. because all the dog wants is to be loved and she cant talk back but if i sit there and talk to her and start crying she just puts her nose under my arm and lifts it so it rest on her neck. she makes me feel like i do have someone to turn to even though its just a dog but its definitely better than a blade.

and now look at me, im going to be a junior and im section leader for drumline in my high school marching band, im captain of the debate team, i have friends that are truly amazing and im very successful in school. i have straight a's and all my classes are either AP or college courses. even though i still deal with depression everyday, i manage to set it aside and do the things that make me happy. i've let go of old ties that were holding me back, and i'm working on what i want to do in my future. i really hope my story will help someone realize that even though it sucks now, i just have to push through it and will end up somewhere better. (: